spazfarm

I need money for hookers and beer - buy stuff from my store and help me get laid/wasted:

Jesus was a pacifist. If I kicked Jesus in the balls, he wouldn’t be allowed to do anything about it. Therefore it is reasonable to assume that I could beat Jesus in a fight.

Jesus did not have a girlfriend. I bone chicks all the time. Seriously, I mean all the time – I’m boning a chick right now. Sometimes I accidentally bone chicks without even noticing. I’m so good at it that I can even bone chicks without them noticing either.

Jesus was a carpenter. Loser. I work in an office, with computers and the internet and a pension plan and free muffins on Wednesday.

Jesus died when he was 32. I am 33 and a half and still not dead.* In your face, Messiah!

Jesus did not have a 37 inch high definition LCD TV. Sometimes I just stare at my TV for hours on end without even switching it on because it’s just so awesome to behold. Also, I couldn’t find the remote.

Jesus wore sandals. Dork. I’ve got a wicked pair of Vans.

Jesus was the son of God. Fair enough. But my dad could probably be an omnipotent deity if he wanted. You know, if he gave up the booze and got out of the house a bit more often.

*Except on the inside, obviously.

Based on an original novel by Tom Clancy, Beowulf is the epic story of a 5th century Scandinavian kingdom that lives in terror of the hideous, deformed monster Grendel. Everybody in the kingdom is totally pissed off about all of this, and they all wander about the place going “Oooh deer whuteever weel we dooo?” in vaguely Scandinavian sounding accents.

Fortunately Ray Winstone shows up to sort this shit out, and you can tell he’s serious because he doesn’t even bother trying to fake a Scandinavian accent when he yells: “Oy, Grendel, you fackin slaaag!” before giving the monster a sound beating with a couple of snooker-balls in a sock before porking its mum, who takes on the form of Angelina Jolie in order to seduce him.

Once the porking has concluded, Angelina spawns a half demon, half human beastie which turns into a dragon and starts to freak out the Kingom all over again. To start with, Ray’s all like “Fack’s sake, I’m retired you fackin cant!” but nobody else can be arsed to do anything because they’re all busy watching the final of Celebrity Wank Factor on TV, so he has to give the dragon a beating by himself.

Unforutunately the dragon is so pissed off with Winstone’s stupid cockney accent, that he takes the flabby bastard down with him. And then I went home and had a long hard think about what I’d learned from the story. I think the most important lesson we can take from Beowulf, is that fathering a terrifying monster who wants to destroy your entire kingdom is a small price to pay for the chance to pork Angelina Jolie.

In entirely unrelated news, this is a website about free open source software.

I used to date a chick who thought Bridget Jones’s Diary was the best film ever made, because it was a realistic portrayal of the daily struggle faced by all modern women. She wasn’t the only woman I’ve met who’s been unable to tell the difference nce between the actual real world and a shitty Hollywood vom-com, but she was definitely the most deluded.

Bridget Jones’s Diary is a depressing film about a spoiled, whiney bitch whose biggest problem in life is deciding whether to screw a Rich Womanizing Bastard or a Rich Mommy’s Boy, so of course she screws both of them. Obviously she picks the Rich Womanizing Bastard first, and then acts all surprised when he turns out to be a Womanizing Bastard, before jumping into bed with the next rich guy she can get her hands on. The moral of this story: Nice guy gets the girl, but only after she’s exhausted all other options.

Romantic comedies feature just two types of men:

The Bumbling Nice Guys will generally be forced to jump through endless hoops to prove that they’re worthy of the female character’s affections, while all the time she’s threatening to get together some other guy – if Bumbling Nice Guy can’t get his act together, then she can’t be expected to wait around forever. Real Life: Bumbling Nice Guy jumps through all the necessary hoops, Girl realises she loathes him for being so pathetic and easy to manipulate, goes off with other guy anyway. Bumbling Nice Guy spends the rest of his life hearing: “But you’re such a nice guy, I can’t understand why you’re single”

Womanizing Bad Boys will usually be shown that their life of constant one night stands and partying is hollow and unfulfilling, when all they really need is the love of a good woman and a nice steady relationship. It’s the standard “I can tame him” bitch fantasy. Real Life: Womanizing Bad Boy pretends to change in order to score with the Girl, within a few months he’s fucking her best friend.

I’m not sure what I hate most about romantic ‘comedies’ – the constant barrage of shitty jokes, or the stupidly unrealistic picture they paint of relationships, people and the world in general.

About a Boy
Hugh Grant plays a guy who has a pile of money and a great bachelor lifestyle, he spends his time lounging around at home and in upmarket bars, and scoring with an endless stream of hot chicks. Throughout the course of the film he learns that this life is shallow and empty, thanks to the intervention of a young boy from a broken home. Real Life: Hugh tells the kid to fuck off and stop hassling him, spends the night snorting coke off the cleavage of a hot 19 year old art-student to take his mind off any lingering doubts about his choice of lifestyle.

Notting Hill
Hugh Grant plays a guy who works in a book store – one day he accidentally spills juice all over a famous Hollywood actress played by Julia Roberts, they fall in love. Real Life: No matter how rich they are, women do not ever fall in love with men who have less money than they do. Julia Roberts would either sue Hugh Grant for spilling the juice on her, or just have her bodyguards beat him into a bloody pulp.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Hugh Fucking Grant plays a guy who keeps bumping into the same attractive, single woman at his friends’ weddings – they fall in love. Real Life: Weddings are depressing and shit, you never meet anybody who is single and interesting. Usually you just get shit-faced to cope with the unimaginable horror of it all and somehow end up with a bowl of jello on your head. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way – it’s all a steaming pile of monkey-shit.

The only way I can really describe The Black Dahlia is: Two hours of WTF? Hollywood thriller scriptwriters currently seem to be having some sort of pissing contest to see who can come up with the most confusing, boring and contrived storyline to find out just how much crap the critics will swallow before one of them has the balls to say “This shit don’t make no sense!”

Seriously, for most of this film I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on, it was even worse than Syriana. To make things worse, the director used the standard ‘dark moody thriller’ technique of having the lead characters mumble all the way through the film, just to make extra sure nobody can understand the ridiculously convoluted storyline.

It’s not all bad though, this film has the most girl-on-girl action I’ve seen in a mainstream film recently. In one scene there’s a whole nightclub full of hot lesbians totally going for it with each other, which to my mind elevates The Black Dahlia above most of the dross spewing from Hollywood these days. If only more directors understood the value of adding hot slippery lesbian action scenes to their films – it certainly would have improved Syriana, not to mention the LotR trilogy: “Gosh master Frodo! Look yonder, Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett giving each other a good tonguing! I’ll fetch Gandalf, he’ll want to see this.”

Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of The Black Dahlia is that despite all this girl on girl action, I didn’t get to see Scarlett Johansson getting it on with Hillary Swank, which was something of a missed opportunity if you ask me. I’m not asking for a full on fisting scene, just a little playful spanking in their underwear would have been enough…

Score 2/5

Ninjas: 0
Pirates: 0
Breathless, panting teenage lesbians writhing around nekkid together: 73