spazfarm

Right then, first of all I suppose you’ll be wanting some ‘hilarious’ puns based loosely around the title of this film and its general theme of bum-sex, so please feel free to choose between Brokeback Mounting, Arsecrack Mountain and, of course, Bareback Mountain. Happy now?

Brokeback Mountain is a film about two cowboys who go on a camping holiday and get bored shitless after a couple of days, so one night they get completely drunk and experiment with a bit of rough anal sex. As men we can all relate to this, it’s what being a boy-scout was all about. The problem is that these two guys get a little bit carried away with it all and forget the Scout’s Pledge: “What happens in the forest, stays in the forest.” So before you know it they’re wearing nothing but pink furry cowboy hats and riding each other like bucking broncos in the middle of the town square, while a crowd of toothless hill-billies stands round in a circle whoopin’ and cheering them on every Thursday afternoon.

This doesn’t go down too well with their wives, or the local rednecks, so Heath Ledger gets divorced and Jake Gyllenhaal gets brutally murdered, which hardly seems fair to me. They tried to murder Heath Ledger too, but when the mob of drunken homophobes turned up to lynch him nobody could understand a word he said, because he mumbles all the way through damn film, so they got bored and went home instead.

The film was somewhat ruined for me by the 300 or so women in the cinema who giggled all the way through the movie - you’d think in Brighton they’d be used to seeing boys kissing each other, but apparently not. I think men have a more mature attitude about that sort of thing, I sat through the whole of a film called All Girl Prison Strap-On Party the other day and didn’t giggle once, even though there were LOADS of girls kissing each other.

Verdict: Brokeback Mountain - Superbly acted, intelligent script, well directed, but still WRONG!

Score: 7/10 (Two bonus points added for Anne Hathaway’s boobs, but two points also deducted because my mates will think I’m a bit fruity if I admit to liking this one too much.)