spazfarm

Here is a list of things I would rather do before paying money to watch another Wachowski brothers film:

1) Drink a full carton of milk that has been left out in the sun for a couple of weeks.

2) Allow a Parkinson’s sufferer to perform plastic surgery on my face with a steak knife, whilst riding a rollercoaster.

3) Let Germaine Greer violently rape my arse with a strap-on dildo for hours on end while she screeches out passages from her best selling feminist blah, The Female Eunuch, at the top of her lungs.*

V for Vendetta paints a bleak picture of a futuristic Britain, populated by shitty American actors with comedy English accents. The storyline largely revolves around that guy who played Agent Smith in the Matrix dicking about in a cape and stupid mask for about 90 minutes, pausing only occasionally to stab somebody in the head or cop a feel of Natalie Portman’s stupendous ass which, to my mind, was the only good thing about this film. But mostly he spends the film chewing his way through the giant turd-burger of a script, spewing out horrible, painful dialogue in a hysterically over the top Shakespearean accent.

To distract you from the crappy acting and painful accents, the Wachowskis throw in a few pointless special effects every now and then at entirely inapropriate moments. Here’s a tip for Hollywood directors: Knife fights don’t need special effects – any scene where somebody gets stabbed repeatedly in the head is already awesome enough, you don’t need to mess with it.

If anybody tries to tell you how intelligent this film’s political commentary is, do us all a favour and kick them in the throat. The political subtext in V for Vendetta is about as subtle and incisive as a mound of rhino dung. Corrupt Fascist dictatorships are bad you say? And free societies are good? Fuck me, what a mind-blowingly radical ideology – excuse me a moment while I totally re-evaluate my world-view!

One final note: In the film, lead character V keeps Natalie Portman locked up in his basement for several months, subjecting her to physical and psychological torture in order to completely remove her fear of death, and because of this she falls in love with him. This annoyed me greatly, because I’ve tried the same technique with women several times and it never works.

Score 3/10

*Actually, I’m pretty much up for that regardless – it’s been a while.