spazfarm

Based on an original novel by Tom Clancy, Beowulf is the epic story of a 5th century Scandinavian kingdom that lives in terror of the hideous, deformed monster Grendel. Everybody in the kingdom is totally pissed off about all of this, and they all wander about the place going “Oooh deer whuteever weel we dooo?” in vaguely Scandinavian sounding accents.

Fortunately Ray Winstone shows up to sort this shit out, and you can tell he’s serious because he doesn’t even bother trying to fake a Scandinavian accent when he yells: “Oy, Grendel, you fackin slaaag!” before giving the monster a sound beating with a couple of snooker-balls in a sock before porking its mum, who takes on the form of Angelina Jolie in order to seduce him.

Once the porking has concluded, Angelina spawns a half demon, half human beastie which turns into a dragon and starts to freak out the Kingom all over again. To start with, Ray’s all like “Fack’s sake, I’m retired you fackin cant!” but nobody else can be arsed to do anything because they’re all busy watching the final of Celebrity Wank Factor on TV, so he has to give the dragon a beating by himself.

Unforutunately the dragon is so pissed off with Winstone’s stupid cockney accent, that he takes the flabby bastard down with him. And then I went home and had a long hard think about what I’d learned from the story. I think the most important lesson we can take from Beowulf, is that fathering a terrifying monster who wants to destroy your entire kingdom is a small price to pay for the chance to pork Angelina Jolie.

In entirely unrelated news, this is a website about free open source software.