spazfarm

The lead character in Jarhead is Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s all pissed off because it’s taken years for people to stop calling him “That Bloke from Donny Darko” and now all of a sudden everybody’s started calling him “The Guy from the Gay Cowboy Movie”. Nobody is ever going to remember his stupid real name and to make matters worse, because people can’t tell the difference between films and reality any more, everybody thinks he likes wearing cowboy boots in real life.

Anyway, Cowboy Jake is pissed off, and he joins the marines so he can go to Iraq and kill some communists just to prove he doesn’t take any shit. When he gets to the desert Jake has to act all tough and manly for a while to make sure he doesn’t get typecast as a gay, so he spends half an hour running around with his shirt off and bonding with his equally shirtless marine buddies. Once Jake’s clearly established his heterosexuality it’s time for WAR, so everybody goes totally fucking mental and starts running around with guns and yelling at old ladies and jumping out of tanks and helicopters and throwing hand grenades at penguins. I fucking love war me. I used to be in the marines, but there was this war once and I killed all of the foreigners before the other marines even had a chance to get their guns out of their bags, so they all felt pretty bad and I had to leave because they said I’d ruined it for everybody.

Jake spends about twenty minutes wandering around the desert but he can’t find anybody to shoot (probably because I’d already killed everybody) and he gets even more pissed off because it’s not like he’s going to get an Oscar for this, even though there’s a few scenes where he blubs like a girl just to show what a great actor he is. In the end Jake goes home and finds his girlfriend is getting porked by some guy, which is understandable because Brianne Davis is unbelievably hot and if I looked like her I’d be putting it about the place too. With other girls, I mean. Not blokes, obviously. I am NOT gay! Shut up.

Score 8/10 (Bonus point awarded for showing Brianne Davis in her pants).