spazfarm

Okay, there’s this really hot blonde girl and that bloke from The Pianist wants to pork her, she’s well up for it to start with but then she meets King Kong and decides she’s totally into giant monkeys now and fucks off into the jungle with him, so Piano guy gets all pissed off. Everybody else goes into the jungle too and fights with some special effects Peter Jackson had left over from Lord of the Rings, and then Andy Serkis gets his head eaten by a massive worm. Then there’s a fight between King Kong and a T-Rex, who also wants to bone the blonde.

The T-Rex tries to hoof Kong in the spuds, but despite being a 50 foot gorilla Kong doesn’t have any genitals at all, so the dinosaur’s plan goes completely to shit and Kong gives him a good slapping. Then some more dinosaurs turn up and Kong has to smack them down too – it’s a bit like that scene from Lost in Translation, except instead of Bill Murray exchanging witticisms with Scarlet Johansen, there’s a giant monkey kicking the shit out of some dinosaurs. Anyway, finally they go to New York so King Kong can belly-flop off the Empire State building, and everybody has monkey-burgers for tea. I think some other stuff happened too, but Bob kept trying to steal my M&Ms and I lost concentration.

Ninja Count: 0
Robot Count: 0
Pirate Count: 4.35
Girl on Girl Action: None
Girl on Monkey Action: Moderate
Monkey on Dinosaur Action: Strong
Jack Black on Boat Action: Strong
Huge Freaky Mutant Worm on Andy Serkis’ Head Action: Mild

Overall Score: Yes