spazfarm

Rules for being in a relationship:

1) You have to wear clean pants EVERY day.
2) You cannot say things like “Christ! Look at the jugs on that!” any more.
3) You have to watch an endless torrent of the kind of stupid, shitty, boring, wanky films that all women are magnetically drawn to.

To be fair, although going to see My Super Ex-Girlfriend was my girlfriend’s idea, I can’t blame her entirely for it. Clearly, being a woman, she saw a film with the world “girlfriend” in the title and all her hormones immediately seized control of her higher brain functions, making her think: “Oooh, that sounds like a delightful romantic comedy, full of dismally un-funny jokes and all sorts of trite bullshit about relationships – I should force my boyfriend to watch it.”

But on the other hand, I should take about 5% of the blame for not having the good sense to veto the idea sooner - when I saw the trailer, in which a hot girl with super-powers throws a huge fucking shark at some guy’s head, I thought: “SPOOGIO!” So when she asked if I wanted to watch My Super Ex-Girlfriend, I just kind of went a long with it.

Anyway. The bit where Uma Thurman throws the Great White shark at the utterly forgettable lead male actor’s head is the ONLY good part of this film, the rest of it is unmitigated shit from beginning to end, you should probably go and see the thing with Jack Black about the Mexican wrestler instead. What kind of stupid fucking name is Uma anyway?

*wanky professional film critic mode on* Rainn Wilson, from the US version of The Office, makes a good effort in his supporting role, but he’s clearly wasted here and deserves a better platform for his talents. *wanky professional film critic mode off*

Finally, this is a little awkward, but we need to talk about Eddie Izzard. I know he’s great, and we all like him, and nobody wants to hurt his feelings, but for fucks sake, somebody has to tell him that he’s a really shitty actor before he makes an even bigger twat of himself.

Score 2/5

Shark Count: 1

Girl on Girl Action: Sort of, Uma has a bitch-fight with that blonde chick from Scary Movie. She’s pretty hot, but you don’t get to see any nipples because of all the high speed super-hero special effects.

Ninjas: 0