spazfarm

The only way I can really describe The Black Dahlia is: Two hours of WTF? Hollywood thriller scriptwriters currently seem to be having some sort of pissing contest to see who can come up with the most confusing, boring and contrived storyline to find out just how much crap the critics will swallow before one of them has the balls to say “This shit don’t make no sense!”

Seriously, for most of this film I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on, it was even worse than Syriana. To make things worse, the director used the standard ‘dark moody thriller’ technique of having the lead characters mumble all the way through the film, just to make extra sure nobody can understand the ridiculously convoluted storyline.

It’s not all bad though, this film has the most girl-on-girl action I’ve seen in a mainstream film recently. In one scene there’s a whole nightclub full of hot lesbians totally going for it with each other, which to my mind elevates The Black Dahlia above most of the dross spewing from Hollywood these days. If only more directors understood the value of adding hot slippery lesbian action scenes to their films – it certainly would have improved Syriana, not to mention the LotR trilogy: “Gosh master Frodo! Look yonder, Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett giving each other a good tonguing! I’ll fetch Gandalf, he’ll want to see this.”

Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of The Black Dahlia is that despite all this girl on girl action, I didn’t get to see Scarlett Johansson getting it on with Hillary Swank, which was something of a missed opportunity if you ask me. I’m not asking for a full on fisting scene, just a little playful spanking in their underwear would have been enough…

Score 2/5

Ninjas: 0
Pirates: 0
Breathless, panting teenage lesbians writhing around nekkid together: 73