spazfarm

I used to date a chick who thought Bridget Jones’s Diary was the best film ever made, because it was a realistic portrayal of the daily struggle faced by all modern women. She wasn’t the only woman I’ve met who’s been unable to tell the difference nce between the actual real world and a shitty Hollywood vom-com, but she was definitely the most deluded.

Bridget Jones’s Diary is a depressing film about a spoiled, whiney bitch whose biggest problem in life is deciding whether to screw a Rich Womanizing Bastard or a Rich Mommy’s Boy, so of course she screws both of them. Obviously she picks the Rich Womanizing Bastard first, and then acts all surprised when he turns out to be a Womanizing Bastard, before jumping into bed with the next rich guy she can get her hands on. The moral of this story: Nice guy gets the girl, but only after she’s exhausted all other options.

Romantic comedies feature just two types of men:

The Bumbling Nice Guys will generally be forced to jump through endless hoops to prove that they’re worthy of the female character’s affections, while all the time she’s threatening to get together some other guy – if Bumbling Nice Guy can’t get his act together, then she can’t be expected to wait around forever. Real Life: Bumbling Nice Guy jumps through all the necessary hoops, Girl realises she loathes him for being so pathetic and easy to manipulate, goes off with other guy anyway. Bumbling Nice Guy spends the rest of his life hearing: “But you’re such a nice guy, I can’t understand why you’re single”

Womanizing Bad Boys will usually be shown that their life of constant one night stands and partying is hollow and unfulfilling, when all they really need is the love of a good woman and a nice steady relationship. It’s the standard “I can tame him” bitch fantasy. Real Life: Womanizing Bad Boy pretends to change in order to score with the Girl, within a few months he’s fucking her best friend.

I’m not sure what I hate most about romantic ‘comedies’ – the constant barrage of shitty jokes, or the stupidly unrealistic picture they paint of relationships, people and the world in general.

About a Boy
Hugh Grant plays a guy who has a pile of money and a great bachelor lifestyle, he spends his time lounging around at home and in upmarket bars, and scoring with an endless stream of hot chicks. Throughout the course of the film he learns that this life is shallow and empty, thanks to the intervention of a young boy from a broken home. Real Life: Hugh tells the kid to fuck off and stop hassling him, spends the night snorting coke off the cleavage of a hot 19 year old art-student to take his mind off any lingering doubts about his choice of lifestyle.

Notting Hill
Hugh Grant plays a guy who works in a book store – one day he accidentally spills juice all over a famous Hollywood actress played by Julia Roberts, they fall in love. Real Life: No matter how rich they are, women do not ever fall in love with men who have less money than they do. Julia Roberts would either sue Hugh Grant for spilling the juice on her, or just have her bodyguards beat him into a bloody pulp.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Hugh Fucking Grant plays a guy who keeps bumping into the same attractive, single woman at his friends’ weddings – they fall in love. Real Life: Weddings are depressing and shit, you never meet anybody who is single and interesting. Usually you just get shit-faced to cope with the unimaginable horror of it all and somehow end up with a bowl of jello on your head. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way – it’s all a steaming pile of monkey-shit.