spazfarm

Whenever I see women on TV or in the newspapers these days they’re always blabbering on about g-spots and multiple orgasms and clitorises and bi-curious experimentation, but nobody ever seems to talk about the most important aspect of sex: how to satisfy your man. So, as my gift to the ladies out there, here are a few handy tips on how to be fantastic at intercoursual relations:

Talk Dirty
Nothing gets men in the mood like a little provocative language. Try:

By the Hammer of Thor, I demand satisfaction forthwith!

10 Print “Do me!”
20 Goto 10;

Dress Up
Try wearing something a little racy to liven things up a bit - we love a girl in uniform, so why not get dressed up as a train driver? Phwoar! And when you’re buying lingerie remember the golden rule: “Cheap hookers dress that way for a reason.”

Food-Play
We all know food can be sexy - so try turning your man on by doing an erotic dance with a bag of Doritos, or perhaps smother yourself in bbq sauce and croutons while you’re waiting for him to get home from work.

Be Adventurous
Men have narrow attention spans, we get bored of you very easily - so try experimenting with new things to keep us interested:

At random intervals during sex, shout out your favourite lines from classic British sitcoms: “DON’T MENTION THE WAR!”

Try doing the “I feel like chicken tonight!” dance as foreplay.

Men like to be challenged - only ever agree to sex if he can get a Triple Word Score in a game of Scrabble.

Forbidden Fruit
It’s more fun when it’s wrong - so try having sex while you listen to some copyrighted music that you illegally downloaded from the internet. Or tell him some insensitive jokes about spastics while you’re in bed together.