spazfarm

Right then, first of all I suppose you’ll be wanting some ‘hilarious’ puns based loosely around the title of this film and its general theme of bum-sex, so please feel free to choose between Brokeback Mounting, Arsecrack Mountain and, of course, Bareback Mountain. Happy now?

Brokeback Mountain is a film about two cowboys who go on a camping holiday and get bored shitless after a couple of days, so one night they get completely drunk and experiment with a bit of rough anal sex. As men we can all relate to this, it’s what being a boy-scout was all about. The problem is that these two guys get a little bit carried away with it all and forget the Scout’s Pledge: “What happens in the forest, stays in the forest.” So before you know it they’re wearing nothing but pink furry cowboy hats and riding each other like bucking broncos in the middle of the town square, while a crowd of toothless hill-billies stands round in a circle whoopin’ and cheering them on every Thursday afternoon.

This doesn’t go down too well with their wives, or the local rednecks, so Heath Ledger gets divorced and Jake Gyllenhaal gets brutally murdered, which hardly seems fair to me. They tried to murder Heath Ledger too, but when the mob of drunken homophobes turned up to lynch him nobody could understand a word he said, because he mumbles all the way through damn film, so they got bored and went home instead.

The film was somewhat ruined for me by the 300 or so women in the cinema who giggled all the way through the movie - you’d think in Brighton they’d be used to seeing boys kissing each other, but apparently not. I think men have a more mature attitude about that sort of thing, I sat through the whole of a film called All Girl Prison Strap-On Party the other day and didn’t giggle once, even though there were LOADS of girls kissing each other.

Verdict: Brokeback Mountain - Superbly acted, intelligent script, well directed, but still WRONG!

Score: 7/10 (Two bonus points added for Anne Hathaway’s boobs, but two points also deducted because my mates will think I’m a bit fruity if I admit to liking this one too much.)

The lead character in Jarhead is Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s all pissed off because it’s taken years for people to stop calling him “That Bloke from Donny Darko” and now all of a sudden everybody’s started calling him “The Guy from the Gay Cowboy Movie”. Nobody is ever going to remember his stupid real name and to make matters worse, because people can’t tell the difference between films and reality any more, everybody thinks he likes wearing cowboy boots in real life.

Anyway, Cowboy Jake is pissed off, and he joins the marines so he can go to Iraq and kill some communists just to prove he doesn’t take any shit. When he gets to the desert Jake has to act all tough and manly for a while to make sure he doesn’t get typecast as a gay, so he spends half an hour running around with his shirt off and bonding with his equally shirtless marine buddies. Once Jake’s clearly established his heterosexuality it’s time for WAR, so everybody goes totally fucking mental and starts running around with guns and yelling at old ladies and jumping out of tanks and helicopters and throwing hand grenades at penguins. I fucking love war me. I used to be in the marines, but there was this war once and I killed all of the foreigners before the other marines even had a chance to get their guns out of their bags, so they all felt pretty bad and I had to leave because they said I’d ruined it for everybody.

Jake spends about twenty minutes wandering around the desert but he can’t find anybody to shoot (probably because I’d already killed everybody) and he gets even more pissed off because it’s not like he’s going to get an Oscar for this, even though there’s a few scenes where he blubs like a girl just to show what a great actor he is. In the end Jake goes home and finds his girlfriend is getting porked by some guy, which is understandable because Brianne Davis is unbelievably hot and if I looked like her I’d be putting it about the place too. With other girls, I mean. Not blokes, obviously. I am NOT gay! Shut up.

Score 8/10 (Bonus point awarded for showing Brianne Davis in her pants).

Okay, there’s this really hot blonde girl and that bloke from The Pianist wants to pork her, she’s well up for it to start with but then she meets King Kong and decides she’s totally into giant monkeys now and fucks off into the jungle with him, so Piano guy gets all pissed off. Everybody else goes into the jungle too and fights with some special effects Peter Jackson had left over from Lord of the Rings, and then Andy Serkis gets his head eaten by a massive worm. Then there’s a fight between King Kong and a T-Rex, who also wants to bone the blonde.

The T-Rex tries to hoof Kong in the spuds, but despite being a 50 foot gorilla Kong doesn’t have any genitals at all, so the dinosaur’s plan goes completely to shit and Kong gives him a good slapping. Then some more dinosaurs turn up and Kong has to smack them down too – it’s a bit like that scene from Lost in Translation, except instead of Bill Murray exchanging witticisms with Scarlet Johansen, there’s a giant monkey kicking the shit out of some dinosaurs. Anyway, finally they go to New York so King Kong can belly-flop off the Empire State building, and everybody has monkey-burgers for tea. I think some other stuff happened too, but Bob kept trying to steal my M&Ms and I lost concentration.

Ninja Count: 0
Robot Count: 0
Pirate Count: 4.35
Girl on Girl Action: None
Girl on Monkey Action: Moderate
Monkey on Dinosaur Action: Strong
Jack Black on Boat Action: Strong
Huge Freaky Mutant Worm on Andy Serkis’ Head Action: Mild

Overall Score: Yes