Over the years I’ve talked at least three women into letting me do sex on them, and guys often say to me: ’sup Ghengis? How come you get to score with so many bitches and I don’t get none? Normally I just give them a knowing look and carry on boning their mum, but I think the time has come for me to share my deep insights into the female mind.
The key to scoring with women is knowing how to talk to them, once you’ve mastered the art of holding a conversation with a woman without killing yourself or falling into a coma, they’ll let you touch their boobs pretty much whenever you like.
1) First of all, women do not like to be called bitches, they usually prefer Carol or Doreen or Mum. It doesn’t matter which of these you choose, as long as it’s a girl’s name of some sort they’ll probably be happy.
2) All women like to be complimented, so a good way to start a conversation is by saying something nice to them, such as:
- I like your face, it is almost entirely hairless
- Your clothes appear well constructed and hard-wearing
- You have good organisational and decision making skills
3) It’s important to show interest in a woman’s feelings, so you should say “Tell me how you feel right at this moment” at least once every five minutes, if not more. Trust me, they can’t get enough of this.
4) If you are trying to persuade a woman to let you bone her, it’s important to remember that generally speaking women punish honesty and reward deceit.
- Don’t say: “You’re hot and I wish to bone you, how shall we proceed towards this mutually beneficial goal?”
- Do say: “I’m a doctor for kittens and babies and I’ve got my own helicopter* and I live in a castle and I’m totally not trying to sleep with you because I’m gay or something and I just want to be friends so we can spend all day talking about soft furnishings.”
5) Women love being the centre of attention, but much like wild chimpanzees they view direct eye contact as a sign of aggression – you must never look a woman directly in the eyes or she will begin screeching and hurling her own faeces at you. Instead, show the woman that your attention is focused entirely on her by staring directly at her boobs – this will also show her that you like boobs, which she will find reassuring.
6) Women think about chocolate as much as men think about scoring. In order to hold a woman’s attention throughout a conversation you will need to throw a Twix at her head every 45 seconds (approximately). If you run out of Twixes, the conversation will end – the woman will wander off and score with some other guy just to teach you a lesson.
* Nothing turns chicks on more than helicopters. Memorising the specifications of the Apache AH64 attack-chopper so that you can recite them from memory in social situations is guaranteed to get you laid with an endless succession of hot women.
Bint: Ooh look, pretty red shoes! I am a woman and am therefore entranced by shoes, I will stare longingly at them through the shop window.
Shop woman: You wish to purchase these shoes? Ha! I sneer derisively at you.
Bint: Oh no! Shop woman is sneering derisively at me for some unfathomable reason – I will never be able to purchase these shoes without her blessing.
*Removes hat*
Bint: Oops, I forgot – dying my hair gives me the confidence to buy shoes from people who sneer at me. Result! Now I can purchase the pretty red shoes, my shallow and pointless life is complete.
Shop woman: Curses, foiled again! Damn you Clairol!
Seriously, who actually likes that shit? Hey, you know what this perfectly good steak and chips needs? Some foul fucking cabbagey-bollocks that makes everything taste like crap! Bring me some of that, because no meal is complete without one of those stupid little fucking bowls filled with inedible crap for me to shove off to the side and ignore while I eat the real food.
Coleslaw FACTS!
- Coleslaw is the main active ingredient of Zyklon B.
- People who eat coleslaw often have small penises, especially if they are women.
- Coleslaw related accidents claim the lives of over 7 orphans per month.
- Coleslaw side-dishes at state banquets cost the British taxpayer £17 million per year.
- 10% of the profits from all coleslaw sales are donated to a secret charity which gives free toys to children. But only really rich people’s children.
A middle aged man with greying hair is reading a newspaper on his sofa; two adorable little girls enter the room:-
Little Girl A: “Dad… It’s time…”
Little Girl B: “We think you’d be a really nice catch for somebody.”
Little Girl A: (Holding up a bottle of ‘Just for Men’ hair dye) “Pleeeeeease…”
Dad: “Nice try girls, but you know I’m not ready to move on yet. Now go and wait for me in the basement, and here, put these on…” *hands each of the girls a wig made from dead wife’s hair*
At its heart, The Watchmen is a story about a giant naked smurf who goes on the rampage in nineteen-eighties America, terrorising millions with his big blue cock and demolishing buildings with his mighty azure nutsack. But there’s a serious underlying social message to this movie too, which is that Carla Gugino looks pretty hot in latex and she’s not afraid of getting the puppies out on camera either. These are the kind of issues that are too often overlooked by mainstream Hollywood blockbusters.
At two hours and forty minutes this is a lengthy film – fortunately, however, the brief hint of retro nineteen twenties girl-on-girl action takes place towards the beginning, leaving you free to go for a slash about halfway through while they’re covering all the blah about Doctor Manhattan getting tachyons stuck up his nose or whatever.
It was inevitable that by adapting a masterwork such as Alan Moore’s Watchmen graphic novel to the big screen, much of the nuance and complexity of the story would be lost, and the film leaves us with several unanswered questions, such as: “What the hell is that weird cat thing? Where did that come from? Did they explain it while I was having a slash?” and “Shit, that was nearly three hours! Have we still got time to go to the pub?”