spazfarm

Over the years I’ve talked at least three women into letting me do sex on them, and guys often say to me: ’sup Ghengis? How come you get to score with so many bitches and I don’t get none? Normally I just give them a knowing look and carry on boning their mum, but I think the time has come for me to share my deep insights into the female mind.

The key to scoring with women is knowing how to talk to them, once you’ve mastered the art of holding a conversation with a woman without killing yourself or falling into a coma, they’ll let you touch their boobs pretty much whenever you like.

1) First of all, women do not like to be called bitches, they usually prefer Carol or Doreen or Mum. It doesn’t matter which of these you choose, as long as it’s a girl’s name of some sort they’ll probably be happy.

2) All women like to be complimented, so a good way to start a conversation is by saying something nice to them, such as:

• I like your face, it is almost entirely hairless
• Your clothes appear well constructed and hard-wearing
• You have good organisational and decision making skills

3) It’s important to show interest in a woman’s feelings, so you should say “Tell me how you feel right at this moment” at least once every five minutes, if not more. Trust me, they can’t get enough of this.

4) If you are trying to persuade a woman to let you bone her, it’s important to remember that generally speaking women punish honesty and reward deceit.

• Don’t say: “You’re hot and I wish to bone you, how shall we proceed towards this mutually beneficial goal?”
• Do say: “I’m a doctor for kittens and babies and I’ve got my own helicopter* and I live in a castle and I’m totally not trying to sleep with you because I’m gay or something and I just want to be friends so we can spend all day talking about soft furnishings.”

5) Women love being the centre of attention, but much like wild chimpanzees they view direct eye contact as a sign of aggression – you must never look a woman directly in the eyes or she will begin screeching and hurling her own faeces at you. Instead, show the woman that your attention is focused entirely on her by staring directly at her boobs – this will also show her that you like boobs, which she will find reassuring.

6) Women think about chocolate as much as men think about scoring. In order to hold a woman’s attention throughout a conversation you will need to throw a Twix at her head every 45 seconds (approximately). If you run out of Twixes, the conversation will end – the woman will wander off and score with some other guy just to teach you a lesson.

* Nothing turns chicks on more than helicopters. Memorising the specifications of the Apache AH64 attack-chopper so that you can recite them from memory in social situations is guaranteed to get you laid with an endless succession of hot women.