spazfarm

At its heart, The Watchmen is a story about a giant naked smurf who goes on the rampage in nineteen-eighties America, terrorising millions with his big blue cock and demolishing buildings with his mighty azure nutsack. But there’s a serious underlying social message to this movie too, which is that Carla Gugino looks pretty hot in latex and she’s not afraid of getting the puppies out on camera either. These are the kind of issues that are too often overlooked by mainstream Hollywood blockbusters.

At two hours and forty minutes this is a lengthy film – fortunately, however, the brief hint of retro nineteen twenties girl-on-girl action takes place towards the beginning, leaving you free to go for a slash about halfway through while they’re covering all the blah about Doctor Manhattan getting tachyons stuck up his nose or whatever.

It was inevitable that by adapting a masterwork such as Alan Moore’s Watchmen graphic novel to the big screen, much of the nuance and complexity of the story would be lost, and the film leaves us with several unanswered questions, such as: “What the hell is that weird cat thing? Where did that come from? Did they explain it while I was having a slash?” and “Shit, that was nearly three hours! Have we still got time to go to the pub?”