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SIR Ben Kingsley is the fucking man. Can’t find an Indian actor to do a good enough job of playing Gandhi? Not a problem, just give SIR Ben Kingsley a call. Want an unsettlingly realistic portrayal of a psychopathic cockney gangster? SIR Ben Kingsley can deliver the goods. Need somebody to play a New York Rabbi who also happens to be a ruthless crime lord in a marginally above average revenge thriller? SIR Ben Fucking Kingsley will nail that role like a bitch.

The only reason I went to see Lucky Number Slevin is because it had SIR Ben Kingsley in it. Not because I fancy him or anything. No. I like girls me. I tried to take a girl to the film, in fact, but she gave me some excuse about a freeholders meeting, so I went with Mike instead. This is probably for the best – even though Mike is a 20 stone heterosexual Scottish rugby player, I probably stand more chance of scoring with him than the girl in question. Not that I particularly want to score with Mike, I was just illustrating how unlikely it is that I’m going to get anywhere with this particular woman. If I did want to score with a man, I’d probably go for SIR Ben Kingsley, not Mike.

In Lucky Number Slevin, Bruce Willis helps Josh Hartnett exact bloody revenge on the two untouchable crime lords who murdered his parents while he was still a child. Oooh, hark at me: “exact bloody revenge” – don’t I sound just like a proper movie critic and everything. SIR Ben Kingsley plays one of the evil crime barons, and does a fucking good job of it too, while Morgan Freeman plays the other. This is ridiculously stupid. Morgan Freeman cannot play bad-guys, he’s just too damned nice – everybody wishes Morgan Freeman was their granddad. Maybe if he was my granddad I’d be able to dance a bit better. Is that racist? I don’t know.

Josh Hartnett gets to pork Lucy Liu who, instead of her normal bad-ass kung-fu babe role, plays the kind of cute, playful, quirky Asian girlfriend that all men secretly wish they had.* For most of the film she frolics around in a pair of knee length boots and one of those little tartan netball type skirts that we all love so much, then she gets shot but don’t worry, she doesn’t die – if you’re a hot girl you always get a happy ending, that’s just how movies real-life works.

Anyway, if Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie had a baby, this is the kind of film it would make as its first effort. All the right ingredients are there, and it is entertaining enough, but it’s nowhere near as polished as you’d expect from a more accomplished director, it’s like a collection of good ideas and performances that doesn’t quite hang together as well as it should. I only paid £3 to see it, so SIR Ben Kingsley’s performance and Lucy Liu’s “I like it filthy and rough” smile were alone worth the price of the ticket. If you’ve got nothing better to do, go and see it - if you have got something better to do, fuck off you poser. I hate people like you, with your ‘active social life’ - I hope you die.

Score: 7/10

*Ladies, if your other half won’t admit to this, he’s just lying to protect your feelings.

Right then, first of all I suppose you’ll be wanting some ‘hilarious’ puns based loosely around the title of this film and its general theme of bum-sex, so please feel free to choose between Brokeback Mounting, Arsecrack Mountain and, of course, Bareback Mountain. Happy now?

Brokeback Mountain is a film about two cowboys who go on a camping holiday and get bored shitless after a couple of days, so one night they get completely drunk and experiment with a bit of rough anal sex. As men we can all relate to this, it’s what being a boy-scout was all about. The problem is that these two guys get a little bit carried away with it all and forget the Scout’s Pledge: “What happens in the forest, stays in the forest.” So before you know it they’re wearing nothing but pink furry cowboy hats and riding each other like bucking broncos in the middle of the town square, while a crowd of toothless hill-billies stands round in a circle whoopin’ and cheering them on every Thursday afternoon.

This doesn’t go down too well with their wives, or the local rednecks, so Heath Ledger gets divorced and Jake Gyllenhaal gets brutally murdered, which hardly seems fair to me. They tried to murder Heath Ledger too, but when the mob of drunken homophobes turned up to lynch him nobody could understand a word he said, because he mumbles all the way through damn film, so they got bored and went home instead.

The film was somewhat ruined for me by the 300 or so women in the cinema who giggled all the way through the movie - you’d think in Brighton they’d be used to seeing boys kissing each other, but apparently not. I think men have a more mature attitude about that sort of thing, I sat through the whole of a film called All Girl Prison Strap-On Party the other day and didn’t giggle once, even though there were LOADS of girls kissing each other.

Verdict: Brokeback Mountain - Superbly acted, intelligent script, well directed, but still WRONG!

Score: 7/10 (Two bonus points added for Anne Hathaway’s boobs, but two points also deducted because my mates will think I’m a bit fruity if I admit to liking this one too much.)

The lead character in Jarhead is Jake Gyllenhaal, who’s all pissed off because it’s taken years for people to stop calling him “That Bloke from Donny Darko” and now all of a sudden everybody’s started calling him “The Guy from the Gay Cowboy Movie”. Nobody is ever going to remember his stupid real name and to make matters worse, because people can’t tell the difference between films and reality any more, everybody thinks he likes wearing cowboy boots in real life.

Anyway, Cowboy Jake is pissed off, and he joins the marines so he can go to Iraq and kill some communists just to prove he doesn’t take any shit. When he gets to the desert Jake has to act all tough and manly for a while to make sure he doesn’t get typecast as a gay, so he spends half an hour running around with his shirt off and bonding with his equally shirtless marine buddies. Once Jake’s clearly established his heterosexuality it’s time for WAR, so everybody goes totally fucking mental and starts running around with guns and yelling at old ladies and jumping out of tanks and helicopters and throwing hand grenades at penguins. I fucking love war me. I used to be in the marines, but there was this war once and I killed all of the foreigners before the other marines even had a chance to get their guns out of their bags, so they all felt pretty bad and I had to leave because they said I’d ruined it for everybody.

Jake spends about twenty minutes wandering around the desert but he can’t find anybody to shoot (probably because I’d already killed everybody) and he gets even more pissed off because it’s not like he’s going to get an Oscar for this, even though there’s a few scenes where he blubs like a girl just to show what a great actor he is. In the end Jake goes home and finds his girlfriend is getting porked by some guy, which is understandable because Brianne Davis is unbelievably hot and if I looked like her I’d be putting it about the place too. With other girls, I mean. Not blokes, obviously. I am NOT gay! Shut up.

Score 8/10 (Bonus point awarded for showing Brianne Davis in her pants).

Okay, there’s this really hot blonde girl and that bloke from The Pianist wants to pork her, she’s well up for it to start with but then she meets King Kong and decides she’s totally into giant monkeys now and fucks off into the jungle with him, so Piano guy gets all pissed off. Everybody else goes into the jungle too and fights with some special effects Peter Jackson had left over from Lord of the Rings, and then Andy Serkis gets his head eaten by a massive worm. Then there’s a fight between King Kong and a T-Rex, who also wants to bone the blonde.

The T-Rex tries to hoof Kong in the spuds, but despite being a 50 foot gorilla Kong doesn’t have any genitals at all, so the dinosaur’s plan goes completely to shit and Kong gives him a good slapping. Then some more dinosaurs turn up and Kong has to smack them down too – it’s a bit like that scene from Lost in Translation, except instead of Bill Murray exchanging witticisms with Scarlet Johansen, there’s a giant monkey kicking the shit out of some dinosaurs. Anyway, finally they go to New York so King Kong can belly-flop off the Empire State building, and everybody has monkey-burgers for tea. I think some other stuff happened too, but Bob kept trying to steal my M&Ms and I lost concentration.

Ninja Count: 0
Robot Count: 0
Pirate Count: 4.35
Girl on Girl Action: None
Girl on Monkey Action: Moderate
Monkey on Dinosaur Action: Strong
Jack Black on Boat Action: Strong
Huge Freaky Mutant Worm on Andy Serkis’ Head Action: Mild

Overall Score: Yes