Jesus did not have a girlfriend. I bone chicks all the time. Seriously, I mean all the time – I’m boning a chick right now. Sometimes I accidentally bone chicks without even noticing. I’m so good at it that I can even bone chicks without them noticing either.

Jesus was a carpenter. Loser. I work in an office, with computers and the internet and a pension plan and free muffins on Wednesday.

Jesus died when he was 32. I am 33 and a half and still not dead.* In your face, Messiah!

Jesus did not have a 37 inch high definition LCD TV. Sometimes I just stare at my TV for hours on end without even switching it on because it’s just so awesome to behold. Also, I couldn’t find the remote.

Jesus wore sandals. Dork. I’ve got a wicked pair of Vans.

Jesus was the son of God. Fair enough. But my dad could probably be an omnipotent deity if he wanted. You know, if he gave up the booze and got out of the house a bit more often.

*Except on the inside, obviously.

Fortunately Ray Winstone shows up to sort this shit out, and you can tell he’s serious because he doesn’t even bother trying to fake a Scandinavian accent when he yells: “Oy, Grendel, you fackin slaaag!” before giving the monster a sound beating with a couple of snooker-balls in a sock before porking its mum, who takes on the form of Angelina Jolie in order to seduce him.

Once the porking has concluded, Angelina spawns a half demon, half human beastie which turns into a dragon and starts to freak out the Kingom all over again. To start with, Ray’s all like “Fack’s sake, I’m retired you fackin cant!” but nobody else can be arsed to do anything because they’re all busy watching the final of Celebrity Wank Factor on TV, so he has to give the dragon a beating by himself.

Unforutunately the dragon is so pissed off with Winstone’s stupid cockney accent, that he takes the flabby bastard down with him. And then I went home and had a long hard think about what I’d learned from the story. I think the most important lesson we can take from Beowulf, is that fathering a terrifying monster who wants to destroy your entire kingdom is a small price to pay for the chance to pork Angelina Jolie.

In entirely unrelated news, this is a website about free open source software.

Bridget Jones’s Diary is a depressing film about a spoiled, whiney bitch whose biggest problem in life is deciding whether to screw a Rich Womanizing Bastard or a Rich Mommy’s Boy, so of course she screws both of them. Obviously she picks the Rich Womanizing Bastard first, and then acts all surprised when he turns out to be a Womanizing Bastard, before jumping into bed with the next rich guy she can get her hands on. The moral of this story: Nice guy gets the girl, but only after she’s exhausted all other options.

Romantic comedies feature just two types of men:

The Bumbling Nice Guys will generally be forced to jump through endless hoops to prove that they’re worthy of the female character’s affections, while all the time she’s threatening to get together some other guy – if Bumbling Nice Guy can’t get his act together, then she can’t be expected to wait around forever. Real Life: Bumbling Nice Guy jumps through all the necessary hoops, Girl realises she loathes him for being so pathetic and easy to manipulate, goes off with other guy anyway. Bumbling Nice Guy spends the rest of his life hearing: “But you’re such a nice guy, I can’t understand why you’re single”

Womanizing Bad Boys will usually be shown that their life of constant one night stands and partying is hollow and unfulfilling, when all they really need is the love of a good woman and a nice steady relationship. It’s the standard “I can tame him” bitch fantasy. Real Life: Womanizing Bad Boy pretends to change in order to score with the Girl, within a few months he’s fucking her best friend.

I’m not sure what I hate most about romantic ‘comedies’ – the constant barrage of shitty jokes, or the stupidly unrealistic picture they paint of relationships, people and the world in general.

About a Boy
Hugh Grant plays a guy who has a pile of money and a great bachelor lifestyle, he spends his time lounging around at home and in upmarket bars, and scoring with an endless stream of hot chicks. Throughout the course of the film he learns that this life is shallow and empty, thanks to the intervention of a young boy from a broken home. Real Life: Hugh tells the kid to fuck off and stop hassling him, spends the night snorting coke off the cleavage of a hot 19 year old art-student to take his mind off any lingering doubts about his choice of lifestyle.

Notting Hill
Hugh Grant plays a guy who works in a book store – one day he accidentally spills juice all over a famous Hollywood actress played by Julia Roberts, they fall in love. Real Life: No matter how rich they are, women do not ever fall in love with men who have less money than they do. Julia Roberts would either sue Hugh Grant for spilling the juice on her, or just have her bodyguards beat him into a bloody pulp.

Four Weddings and a Funeral
Hugh Fucking Grant plays a guy who keeps bumping into the same attractive, single woman at his friends’ weddings – they fall in love. Real Life: Weddings are depressing and shit, you never meet anybody who is single and interesting. Usually you just get shit-faced to cope with the unimaginable horror of it all and somehow end up with a bowl of jello on your head. Or maybe that’s just me. Either way – it’s all a steaming pile of monkey-shit.

Seriously, for most of this film I didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on, it was even worse than Syriana. To make things worse, the director used the standard ‘dark moody thriller’ technique of having the lead characters mumble all the way through the film, just to make extra sure nobody can understand the ridiculously convoluted storyline.

It’s not all bad though, this film has the most girl-on-girl action I’ve seen in a mainstream film recently. In one scene there’s a whole nightclub full of hot lesbians totally going for it with each other, which to my mind elevates The Black Dahlia above most of the dross spewing from Hollywood these days. If only more directors understood the value of adding hot slippery lesbian action scenes to their films – it certainly would have improved Syriana, not to mention the LotR trilogy: “Gosh master Frodo! Look yonder, Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett giving each other a good tonguing! I’ll fetch Gandalf, he’ll want to see this.”

Perhaps the most disappointing aspect of The Black Dahlia is that despite all this girl on girl action, I didn’t get to see Scarlett Johansson getting it on with Hillary Swank, which was something of a missed opportunity if you ask me. I’m not asking for a full on fisting scene, just a little playful spanking in their underwear would have been enough…

Score 2/5

Ninjas: 0
Pirates: 0
Breathless, panting teenage lesbians writhing around nekkid together: 73

1) You have to wear clean pants EVERY day.
2) You cannot say things like “Christ! Look at the jugs on that!” any more.
3) You have to watch an endless torrent of the kind of stupid, shitty, boring, wanky films that all women are magnetically drawn to.

To be fair, although going to see My Super Ex-Girlfriend was my girlfriend’s idea, I can’t blame her entirely for it. Clearly, being a woman, she saw a film with the world “girlfriend” in the title and all her hormones immediately seized control of her higher brain functions, making her think: “Oooh, that sounds like a delightful romantic comedy, full of dismally un-funny jokes and all sorts of trite bullshit about relationships – I should force my boyfriend to watch it.”

But on the other hand, I should take about 5% of the blame for not having the good sense to veto the idea sooner - when I saw the trailer, in which a hot girl with super-powers throws a huge fucking shark at some guy’s head, I thought: “SPOOGIO!” So when she asked if I wanted to watch My Super Ex-Girlfriend, I just kind of went a long with it.

Anyway. The bit where Uma Thurman throws the Great White shark at the utterly forgettable lead male actor’s head is the ONLY good part of this film, the rest of it is unmitigated shit from beginning to end, you should probably go and see the thing with Jack Black about the Mexican wrestler instead. What kind of stupid fucking name is Uma anyway?

*wanky professional film critic mode on* Rainn Wilson, from the US version of The Office, makes a good effort in his supporting role, but he’s clearly wasted here and deserves a better platform for his talents. *wanky professional film critic mode off*

Finally, this is a little awkward, but we need to talk about Eddie Izzard. I know he’s great, and we all like him, and nobody wants to hurt his feelings, but for fucks sake, somebody has to tell him that he’s a really shitty actor before he makes an even bigger twat of himself.

Score 2/5

Shark Count: 1

Girl on Girl Action: Sort of, Uma has a bitch-fight with that blonde chick from Scary Movie. She’s pretty hot, but you don’t get to see any nipples because of all the high speed super-hero special effects.

Ninjas: 0

Talk Dirty
Nothing gets men in the mood like a little provocative language. Try:

By the Hammer of Thor, I demand satisfaction forthwith!

10 Print “Do me!”
20 Goto 10;

Dress Up
Try wearing something a little racy to liven things up a bit - we love a girl in uniform, so why not get dressed up as a train driver? Phwoar! And when you’re buying lingerie remember the golden rule: “Cheap hookers dress that way for a reason.”

Food-Play
We all know food can be sexy - so try turning your man on by doing an erotic dance with a bag of Doritos, or perhaps smother yourself in bbq sauce and croutons while you’re waiting for him to get home from work.

Be Adventurous
Men have narrow attention spans, we get bored of you very easily - so try experimenting with new things to keep us interested:

At random intervals during sex, shout out your favourite lines from classic British sitcoms: “DON’T MENTION THE WAR!”

Try doing the “I feel like chicken tonight!” dance as foreplay.

Men like to be challenged - only ever agree to sex if he can get a Triple Word Score in a game of Scrabble.

Forbidden Fruit
It’s more fun when it’s wrong - so try having sex while you listen to some copyrighted music that you illegally downloaded from the internet. Or tell him some insensitive jokes about spastics while you’re in bed together.

Score: 3/10 (Two bonus points awarded because even though it’s a terrible film, handicapped people are just naturally funny).

1) Drink a full carton of milk that has been left out in the sun for a couple of weeks.

2) Allow a Parkinson’s sufferer to perform plastic surgery on my face with a steak knife, whilst riding a rollercoaster.

3) Let Germaine Greer violently rape my arse with a strap-on dildo for hours on end while she screeches out passages from her best selling feminist blah, The Female Eunuch, at the top of her lungs.*

V for Vendetta paints a bleak picture of a futuristic Britain, populated by shitty American actors with comedy English accents. The storyline largely revolves around that guy who played Agent Smith in the Matrix dicking about in a cape and stupid mask for about 90 minutes, pausing only occasionally to stab somebody in the head or cop a feel of Natalie Portman’s stupendous ass which, to my mind, was the only good thing about this film. But mostly he spends the film chewing his way through the giant turd-burger of a script, spewing out horrible, painful dialogue in a hysterically over the top Shakespearean accent.

To distract you from the crappy acting and painful accents, the Wachowskis throw in a few pointless special effects every now and then at entirely inapropriate moments. Here’s a tip for Hollywood directors: Knife fights don’t need special effects - any scene where somebody gets stabbed repeatedly in the head is already awesome enough, you don’t need to mess with it.

If anybody tries to tell you how intelligent this film’s political commentary is, do us all a favour and kick them in the throat. The political subtext in V for Vendetta is about as subtle and incisive as a mound of rhino dung. Corrupt Fascist dictatorships are bad you say? And free societies are good? Fuck me, what a mind-blowingly radical ideology - excuse me a moment while I totally re-evaluate my world-view!

One final note: In the film, lead character V keeps Natalie Portman locked up in his basement for several months, subjecting her to physical and psychological torture in order to completely remove her fear of death, and because of this she falls in love with him. This annoyed me greatly, because I’ve tried the same technique with women several times and it never works.

Score 3/10

*Actually, I’m pretty much up for that regardless - it’s been a while.